Chef Required
WANTED - A chef, for no other reason that every other bastard has some twat chef associated with them. Finzensen is jumping on the bandwagon.
When Coles went into partnership with old mate Curtis Stone, well it was a “supermarket sensation”, apparently. Those 10 buck meals that feed a legion of victims families were a great hit! Imagine, Mum can now go down to the local Coles and pick up some pork chops and potatoes for $10, fucking amazing! Thank God Curtis is here, otherwise our dinner would cost millions every night.
Identity Theft!
Finzensen is a doer…a thinker…a man….a social media strategist……a raconteur…..father……son…….lover……fighter……in other words, an absolute fucking self-important dickwad.
But being such a dickwad, I involve myself in a number of different collaborations and projects across a multitude of disparate areas i.e. I’m unemployed. And as such I see many things happen, things that reinforce my life = silly mantra. Here’s another.
“Connectivity”
Finzensen was looking for a car the other day and was engaged in a lovely conversation with the salesman regarding the stunning array of features this particular generic shitbox automobile had as standard.
Salesman - “Yep, she got twin overhead cams in this baby”
Finzensen – “I’d prefer twin overhead ashtrays”
Salesman - ”Haha awesome, you smoke a lot eh? This one’s also got 18 inch mags with sticky rubber, 45 profile tyres”
Finzensen – “Does it have racing-air in the tyres?”
Salesman – “Nah mate tell you what mate, you like music? ”
Finzensen – “Indeed”
Salesman – “Well mate this baby’s got iPod connectivity”
Finzensen – “So you can hook an iPod up to it?”
Salesman – “Yeah mate, iPod connectivity”
Finzensen – “So it’s got a hole?”
Salesman – “Well yeah mate, to plug it in, but you know, it’s integrated in the stereo”
Finzensen – “Got a hole in the stereo right?”
Salesman – “Nah mate it’s connectivity mate”
Pain Relief
Finzensen is a big fan of pain relief – event the merest hint of pain will result in Finzensen downing a mouthful of random pills, washed down with half a bottle of vodka or similar. Their names usually end in “…done” or “…dol” and are usually not available from your average pharmacy without a bloody huge fight. Slight twinge? Synthetic morphine thanks!
But in reality, most people don’t own a MIMS nor have the persistence to obtain satisfactory pain-nuking meds. They head straight to their supermarket shelf, relying on the trusted names like Nurofen or Panadol to solve their problems. Lucky them. 
Recently I saw a new type of Panadol – Panadol “Back and Neck”. What a stunning innovation!! A new type of Panadol specifically formulated to target back and neck pain – right?
Not quite. It’s just Panadol – 500mg of paracetamol, just like every other pill. Oh, apparently it is “absorbed faster” or something. What does that have to do with your back or neck? Well, nothing.
World Premiere!
Finzensen hears this quite a bit on the tele. It generally starts off something like this;
“Tonight at 8.30, our World Premiere Television Event of the Year”
To the average punter paying scant attention to the box, this sounds like great stuff! “Hey love, some bloody world premiere event thingo’s on the tele tonight, let’s get pizza and a slab!” Then when they turn it on, it’s an Australian miniseries called “Kangaroo Cops” starring Alf from Home and Away.
A “World Premiere” sounds bloody good doesn’t it? Like the whole world is waiting with bated breath for this Alf from Home and Away outback mini series, and us lucky Aussies are No.1 in the WORLD!! But the reality is, it may possibly eventually be seen in Nepal because YAK-TV picked it up from the Aussie “bargain bundle” bin along with Skippy and the Footy Show.
I am a Social Media expert
Yep, I am. I’m an expert in social media, digital strategy, networking, SEO, SEM, interwebs and all that stuff that most noobs don’t understand.
“That’s all well and good Finzensen” you say, “but how can I be sure you are what you claim? Every 2 bit hack with a Facebook page reckons they are digital strategists, right?”
Well, I’m different. Here’s why I’m totally authentic;
1. “Conversations” - I use this term as much as possible when talking about SM. “It’s all about the conversations, the conversations, and did I mention conversations?”. People nod and scratch their chins like I’m a modern day Pythagorus without the triangles. Yep, people fucking talk on the interweb, go figure. They also look at porn, so there’s a hook for your brand right there too. Or, just be smart and give away free stuff like people actually want.
2. I can work Twitter and shit. “But Finzensen” you bleat, “how come your Twitter thing only has like 2 people following it?” Well, I spent my last $20 on pizza and can’t afford to pay a follow/unfollow bot to get me 10,000 gormless twat followers in like a week. And I’m shy.
3. I have a shit blog like everyone else in the world - You’re reading it right now. Awesome fresh content, interlinked with all known forms of SM to create a content delivery platform that drives ROI on your precious digital spend. Or not.
4. I have sharing buttons - Seriously, it’s like a ‘big dick’ competition with sharing buttons. To be authentic like me, you need at least 47 buttons for every fucking obscure SM platform. Heard of “Geflurk”? No one has. It’s Iceland’s 14th favourite SM platform, used by a couple of penguins. But you can share to it on my site - look below!!!
Anyway, now that you know everything there is to know about Social Media and digital strategy, go forth, set up Twitter, have conversations, make money!
Ben Grubb vs the Police - the REAL transcript!
Yes well the kerfuffle going on with the arrest/unarrest of tech journo Ben Grubb has reached epic proportions - however it has come to Finzensen’s attention that the transcript released on Fairfax below has been possibly DOCTORED or edited or something. Or not.
http://www.brisbanetimes.com.au/technology/technology-news/journalists-facebook-arrest-transcript-of-police-interview-20110518-1esrr.html#ixzz1MkxNFR6M
Here is the REAL Transcript!
Begins 4.19pm, Tuesday, May 17.
Detective Senior Constable (EC) : [we received] a complaint from Chris Gatsby
Ben Grubb (BG): Gatford?
EC: What? Yeah, Gatford. About the article. Well not so much about the article but more to the point about what’s alleged in the article. Ok? We’ve received some information about it all up and we want to ask you some questions about it but under our law we are not allowed to ask you these questions we want to ask without giving you your cautions and your rights. Do you understand that?
BG: Not really, you’re not making much sense at all. Are you arresting me?
EC: No. You’re not under arrest………at the moment.
BG: At the moment?
EC: Well. Sorry. I meant to say “not right now, but you can never predict the future”
BG: Sorry, what are my rights?
EC: I’ll give you the rights straight up just so that we’re perfectly clear. You have the right to have that awesome Gen-Z haircut.
BG: Yeah it’s pretty awesome.
